Slow difficult journey out of grief

Marie-Anne and her nine-year old daughter Alphonsine who live on an estate built by AVEGA, an organisation of widows from the genocide. [Annie Bungeroth]

Anne-Marie* recounts the traumatic story that saw the murder of her husband and five children in the genocide.

But she also speaks of her desire to forgive and a miraculous reunion with her son that she presumed dead.

In the small backyard of the Rwandan village home, a small group of children are enthusiastically playing a clapping game, singing at the tops of their voices.

It is a lovely scene, which only clouds when the words are translated. The opening lines of the song being sung with such gusto are “I’m not afraid of anything, I’m not afraid of knives, I’m not afraid of being cut to pieces.”

None of the children singing the song are old enough to remember the horrific days of the 1994 genocide. But nearby a mother sits cooking potatoes and beans for lunch over an open fire and does not appear to hear the words as the familiar song washes over her.

Co-ordinated campaign of killing

One decade ago, Rwanda descended overnight into genocide after years of tension between the majority Hutu ethnic group and the historically dominant Tutsis.

Over a period of 100 days, a coordinated campaign slaughtered around one million Tutsis together with the moderate Hutus who tried to stop the killing. Most were hacked to death with machetes, many by people they had lived alongside for years. The international community failed to intervene.

“I want to forgive [what happened to me] so that my children can grow up mixing with other people because if you show them hatred there is no way they can learn to love other people,” says Anne-Marie, a widow of the genocide, who lives in the Rwandan capital Kigali.

Anne-Marie is now bringing up her nine year old daughter, Alphonsine and 18 year old son, Manwe, in a house built for her by CAFOD partner AVEGA, an organisation which works with widows of the genocide.

Telling her story

Ten years ago she was a married mother of six, with another on the way, living a comfortable life in rural Rwanda. As Anne-Marie tells her story, tears quietly stream down her face, but her voice never wavers.

At the time, Anne-Marie’s husband was living in Kigali and working as a truck driver to support his family. On the second day of fighting, Anne-Marie was called to the local telephone to be told that he had been killed.

After seeing one of her sons thrown into a mass grave, Anne-Marie fled her home with her remaining five children in the desperate hunt for a sanctuary. But in their escape, Anne-Marie and her family encountered the brutal Interahamwe, groups of violent Hutu young men trained to kill.

After a brief scuffle, their commander issued orders to shoot her thirteen year old eldest daughter.

When the militia shot her, she didn’t die straight away so she was crying out in pain,” says Anne-Marie. “That sound will stay with me forever and I hear it every day.”

Children beaten to death

Days later in an ambush, Anne-Marie’s remaining four children were killed, beaten to death with rocks and her life was only saved by a whim of the militia leader that she was more use to him alive.

She was dragged back to the militia campaign and only freed when the invading Tutsi led Rwandan Patriotic Force liberated the camp and in time restored peace in the country.

At the end of the war, Anne-Marie tried to pull her life together again, giving birth the following August to the daughter she had carried throughout the war.

Miracle of resurrection

Then two and a half years later, a miracle occurred. A neighbour working as a driver told Anne-Marie that on his travels he had seen a little boy who looked like her son. Initially Anne-Marie was reluctant to listen, fearing that her hopes would be raised in vain. But eventually the driver persuaded her to come with him.

“When I saw him, something inside held me back because I was so frightened that it would not be him. So I called out “Manwe” [his nickname] and when he saw me he said “Mother are you resurrected from the dead? When I left you, you were dead, are you resurrected?”

The son that she had last seen being thrown into a mass grave had survived. He told her that while the soldiers were burying the bodies, it has started raining so the soldiers had left to seek shelter. The little boy had crawled over bodies to escape and after the war had been taken in by a RPF soldier. Now Manwe is at school and hoping to become an electrician.

Long journey through grief

The journey back to happiness for Anne-Marie has been a long one. Firstly she had to learn to love the daughter who arrived at such a dark time, to find a space in her broken heart for a new life.

Eventually the shadows of the past overwhelmed her and she was taken to a psychiatric hospital. Fortunately, a sympathetic doctor recognised that her problems were not the result of mental illness but caused by trauma and grief. He told her about AVEGA and its counselling service.

“There I started talking to Jeanne, a counsellor,” recalls Anne-Marie. “At that time I was very forgetful. I would get up in the morning and decide to go out somewhere. But I would get to the end of the road and forget where I was going and just carry on walking.

"If I got tired then I would sit down on the road. When I came to my senses again I would be very cold wearing only my undergarments and would wonder how I got there.”

Gaining strength through counselling

Slowly, through regular counselling and contact with other widows in similar situation, Anne-Marie began to feel stronger. AVEGA helped her build a house and found a school for her daughter.

It is not exaggeration to say that AVEGA gives women back their lives. Not just through their healthcare projects, but also by providing friendship for women who might otherwise be completely alone.

It helps support the amazing courage and determination of people like Anne-Marie who are making the slow, difficult journey out of grief.

* The names have been changed to protect the identities of the genocide survivors.

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